I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
