I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
