Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
