oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
