My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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