pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
