it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
