i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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