I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
