When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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