Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
