She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
