so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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