A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
