I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
