He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
