How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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