where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
