I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
