I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He shit in the fireplace
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
