I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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