why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
