textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
