So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm just crazy horny about you
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
