Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the condom got lost in my hair
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
