I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
