1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
