I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
