you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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