The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
