She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I believe in your delicious
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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