yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
