I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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