maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
