One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
