Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
