Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
