i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
That accounts for only three of the penises
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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