from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
