Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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