I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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