3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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