he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
