How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
