my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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