So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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