Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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