Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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