you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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