somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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